As I logged onto Tumblr to put up a post one day about a month ago, I took a quick glance at my newsfeed and a text post entitled “Why wifesharing/hotwifing?” caught my eye. I read the first sentence, then the second, and the third….and wound up reading the whole post. Why?
Because it was real and the author had some pretty genuine/candid insights about himself, his relationship, and exploring the lifestyle.
It was written by the husband of a hotwife who runs the Tumblr artfulthrobber. I contacted him to see if he was willing to do an in depth interview with us to share more about his journey and what he’s learned on the way. As I’m sure you figured out by now, he accepted. What follows is his interview (and at the end is a proof picture of his wife posing with a sign for proof they’re real).
Q: So when did you first discover you had the desire to see your wife sleep with others? Whose idea was it to get into the lifestyle in real life? What was your wife’s reaction when she found out you had these desires?
A: The desire to see my wife with other men has been there since nearly the beginning of our relationship. It really started with an erotic dream I had about her and several other men and just playing in the sun naked. It really gave birth to my kink. I mentioned the dream to her, but we never talked about it. It was over a decade later that I finally asked her if she would be interested in sleeping with another man.
At that time I felt like I was the only one with this fantasy and didn’t feel like I could share it with anyone else, and not be made fun of. So it took me a long time to ask her, and it was only with the intention that I’d watch another man fuck her and then I’d get it out of my system and I would then have a normal male fantasy.
The reaction my wife had was that of silence at 1st. She really took a supportive role and asked the right questions. The notion of being with someone other than me was exciting and created its own anxiety for her. Her reaction was perfect, she portrayed exactly why I married her. She was supportive and encouraging in all the right ways, never leaped at the opportunity. She wants to protect what we have, she does not want to tarnish our relationship for a good time.
Q: You said your initial conversation with your wife led to many others. Can you share some of the details of how these conversations progressed? What were the sticking points?
A: We talked about rules, we talked through scenarios, there was a lot of role playing. We talked about my limits versus her limits. It started as a very regulated lifestyle option. We were very concerned for each other’s feelings. Like one point I said I didn’t want her kissing anyone or anyone cumming inside of her. Looking backing on that, that was a little ridiculous. These days there aren’t really any rules anymore. The only rule is that it needs to be a positive experience for her. Sometimes negotiating these different relationships can be tough for her, so me looking in from the outside can really help her see a bigger picture or catch when she really isn’t comfortable and encourage a positive outcome even if it means that she needs to stop talking to someone.
Honestly the conversations never really stopped. It’s a continued conversation that overreaches into all parts of our lives. The lifestyle taught us an amazing sense of trust and communication. It has not only changed our sex lives, but our life in general. The philosophies that we learned through hotwifing have changed our lives for the better.
Q: Why do you think your wife suggested you find other women to sleep with when many women would prefer the man not to sleep with other women? A: Guilt. She felt guilty about playing with others when I wasn’t. I told her I’d consider it. I have introduced other women, and she hasn’t ever really reacted to it positively. And in all honesty, these other relationships don’t bring that much enjoyment to my life anyway. I really enjoy seeing my wife take pleasure. That is what I enjoy, compersion being the word that defines what I get out of the lifestyle.
Q: How often did you and your wife have sex per week before you started exploring this in real life? How often do the two of you have sex now that you’re exploring the lifestyle? If there was a chance, what do you attribute this to? If not, why do you think things stayed the same? A: We have always had good sex, sometimes more frequently than others. [At] times it definitely varied, but when we started roleplaying the hotwife lifestyle we both realized that we didn’t want this to be a one-time thing. There just were to many scenarios that were played out. So the sex was really good and often for the longest period to date. It was definitely due to exploring the lifestyle. I will say that life happens first. We haven’t always had the opportunity to participate in hotwifing. But when we are actively engaged in the lifestyle, the sex is always on fire.
Q: How often does she sleep with someone else now? How do the two of you decide how often to explore this? Can you share some details on what your situation looks like?
A: She sleeps with someone else a few times a year. We are extremely busy people and time just doesn’t allot for much more than that unfortunately. The goal is to get her sleeping with at least two different men at least once a month. Long term “bulls/boyfriends” are hard to find, as she wants more of a friend with benefits type of relationship. This concept of a friend with benefits was hard for me, because essentially, she’s looking for a boyfriend. It was a lot easier to accept a purely sexual relationship rather than a boyfriend. The trust that I had to extend to her was much greater than I had ever imagined I was capable of, but on the other hand she had to extend a lot more communication to make it work.
My job isn’t to restrict her, but to encourage her within reason to be as sexually promiscuous as she wants be. I never want to be pushy, but sometimes I come off that way. She feels like she is failing me if she doesn’t have a lover or looking for a lover. I never her want to feel that way. I only want her to be active in the lifestyle if it’s fun and rewarding for her. I never want it to be an expectation. We were happy before the lifestyle and we don’t need the lifestyle to remain happy.
Q: How does she balance spending time with you, your family, and her lover(s)?
A: Family always comes first for her and I and it’s not like she is engaging that often anyway. Usually its dinner then sex and then she’s home in bed with me getting reclaimed. It doesn’t really disrupt the family routine, even if it was once a week, it still wouldn’t disrupt the routine. She is a professional and works Monday through Friday. Missing her one evening a week isn’t very noticeable, at least not at this stage it isn’t. Special occasions she’ll get over nights with a guy. Like a birthday for instance. Those dates are harder and require planning, whereas a dinner date can be pretty much last minute notice.
Q: What are the three biggest pieces of advice you have for a couple that’s just starting out? A: Be skeptical of the lifestyle, and ask lots of questions of each other. It isn’t for everyone. Dating each other is important. Give yourselves a way to catch up with each other. Trust each other and don’t give each other reasons not to trust each other. Keep an open dialogue constantly.
Q: What are 2-3 of the biggest hidden challenges you’ve faced along the way while exploring this?
A: There honestly haven’t been a lot of challenges. Our communication has been really good. Though the first boyfriend was a challenge. We weren’t meeting each other’s needs on a couple things and we learned a lot from it. For me it was getting my mind around the relationship aspect of it. If she was just hooking up with a person then all I would have had to deal with would have been the 1st time she was having sex with someone other than me. It just created a pandora’s box of questions in my head. Since then, I am at peace with the relationships she has.
On her side of it, it was the guilt she had. The embarrassment. The resistance to engaging with me afterward. Which in turn didn’t allow me to take her back in the way she needed. She wasn’t able to come down from the experience in my protective embrace. So she was experiencing sub-drop symptoms that lead to depression and anxiety. So now we know how important it is for us to engage with each other after a hotwife experience. It addresses both of our need and the marriage’s needs.
Q: What are some the most frequently occurring topics that come up in conversations between the two of you when you’re communicating about all this now?
A: We usually talk about the guys she is talking too. Usually there will be quite a few guys she is talking to before she decides whether or not she wants to meet them. My encouragement always comes from a place of love. I need to know that she is going to have a positive experience, that she is getting good variety. She has a tendency to choose similar guys. I encourage not to be afraid of variety and try new things. Different personalities bring different experiences to the table.
Q: You mentioned in your post, “Just be aware that it is through trusting each other and communicating with each other that anything may be possible.” Can you make 3-5 recommendations on how a couple can build trust and communication between each other?
A: Trust and communication is a phrase you can easily spout off, like how’s the weather today, or something else just as ambiguous. But actually, working on building that trust and communication can be difficult. It’s the little things that count. Its sharing, its talking, its taking the time to get to know each other, sometimes its getting to know each other all over again. Life shapes and molds us every day. You might be surprised how much your spouse has changed over the years. You talk about the silly things, the serious stuff, the crazy stuff. Who would you bring back from the dead and why, what celebrity would you fuck and what would that look like? What’s your favorite food or color? What annoys you about me or what do you enjoy that I do for you. All those are important, but it’s how you engage each other daily that matters.
A marriage isn’t two relationships. Its three relationships; it’s you, your spouse and the marriage. Are you a team or individuals? Do you have each other’s backs? Are you going through the motions? Or are you enjoying each other’s company?
Get to know each other, support each other, and encourage the other to be the best they can be. Truly want the best for your spouse.
Q: You said you made compromises with each other to make this work for you? What compromises did each of you make, and why?
A: My biggest compromise was the type of relationship she wanted, and her compromise was over how much she wanted to communicate to me; guilt made her not want to communicate in the beginning.
She encouraged me that our relationship was at no risk and proves it to me continually and I encourage her to communicate what’s going on and telling me the details that she used to be squirmy about.
Q: Can you give us the details on what all this was like when she actually had a sexual encounter with someone else? What was the anticipation like? Were you there?
A: The first time was crazy. It was an over night for her and I was at home. I had so much anxiety. I dealt with so many different emotions. Going between happy for her, to jealousy, to what the hell was I thinking, to being horny, to regret, then recycling that thought process over and over again. I was a mess by the time she got back home. But it in the end it was okay. She shot videos for me, took some sexy pics, and retold her highlights to me. It was an exhausting night physically, mentally and emotionally. For her as well.
I’d like to note that the day after and the couple following days were good, but I missed the sub-drop symptoms that I mentioned earlier and that was cause for a couple of months of rebuilding in the relationship. It gave me cause to doubt her and it gave her cause to doubt me as well. Being emotionally in tune with each other is important and it emphasized the importance of a constant dialogue; before, during, after and for always communicating.
I want to thank artfulthrobber for taking the time to do this interview with us, and I want to thank his wife for taking the proof picture (since they don’t post pics of themselves on the web). They’re both clearly awesome people, and if you get some time, you should visit their Tumblr which can be found here: https://artfulthrobber.tumblr.com/