What’s a “Warmwife”? 5/5 (4)

If you think only “regular” women have doubts about this lifestyle, think again.

The wife of the Tumblr couple OurSexyExploration (who I interviewed in depth here about their hotwife journey) recently shared some very private thoughts about her own somewhat persistent reservations about continuing to live the hotwife lifestyle. And this is someone who was glad she took the leap to make the fantasy a reality in the first place.

So when I read these private thoughts of hers, I immediately saw in them valuable insights that were brilliantly and cohesively articulated which many people would benefit from reading.

I reached out to her to ask her permission to share them here to help both husbands and wives who either want to explore or are already exploring the hotwife lifestyle, in hopes that it can help give them some perspective for the non-linear nature that often characterizes the exploration of this lifestyle.

For the women who read this, it can serve as validation to what they experienced/are experiencing/will experience. For the men who read this, it’ll hopefully drive home and make clear just how complex and circuitous this can all be for a woman.

Overall to everyone, it can serve as a reminder that sometimes it’s normal for a Hotwife to become a “warmwife” (to borrow the term coined by one of my clients), who perhaps cools down even further, and then “heats up” again. There’s beauty, fun, and an enjoyable naturalness to this cycle if you can learn to see it as it is. Enjoy the below read.

Part 1: Fantasy & Reality

Some years ago, before I met “D” and before I even imagined that I would be partaking in anything resembling the Hotwife Lifestyle, I began to have certain fantasies.  I would fantasize about threesomes, swinging, and even the occasional “gang bang” (what girl hasn’t, right?).

I mainly imagined these fantasies when I was alone, pleasuring myself, as my husband at the time and I did not have the greatest of sex lives (that’s another story entirely).

My fantasies would get pretty involved…I could picture the way that the men were touching me, their hands on my skin, around my neck, gripping my waist as they took turns taking me – usually vigorously.  I never admitted to anyone about having these fantasies, because my marriage was on shaky ground, I didn’t feel comfortable or safe in sexual situations with my husband at the time, and, I guess, it was partially because “good girls” didn’t have these types of fantasies.

Fast forward to now…I’m divorced and I’ve met the man of my dreams.  He’s everything that I’ve ever wanted; he makes me feel safe, loved and secure.  There is this one little thing, though…this little thing involving sexual desires.  I’m extremely sexual and I have an active sexual imagination, but when it comes to acting out these fantasies, it’s never been the easiest thing in the world for me.

In the beginning, things with “D” and I were purely on the fantasy level.  I would write him stories detailing fantasy sexual encounters, and we would talk about all of the dirty and fun little things that turned us on.  At some point, though, things turned from fantasy to reality when he started asking me “would you really do this”.  At first I said, “of course I would, baby” (I was playing along with the fantasy), and then I began to have difficulty distinguishing whether he was actually “playing” or suggesting I do this for real.

Making the jump to “for real” is a big thing.  I don’t think I’m alone in this.  For women especially, there are a lot of emotions surrounding the idea of being a Hotwife.  The number one thing for me was the idea that while I wanted desperately to do whatever I possibly could to keep the man of my dreams – who basically rescued me from the belief that I would never find love again – happy and interested, I also struggled with his desire to “share” me.

People don’t share the things they care about the most, do they?  Kids like to keep their best toys for themselves…so they don’t get broken.  Was it really so easy for him to put me out there so that I could possibly be “broken”, or so that our relationship could get “broken”?  If it was that easy, did he really love me the way that I loved him?

I feel I need to say that I have zero desire to share “D” whatsoever…he’s my man and while the “fantasy idea” of him thrusting himself into another woman while I watch is undeniably sexy, making that into a reality would probably cause me to lose my mind.  I have tried many times over to “be okay” with the idea of sharing him, but I just can’t seem to get there.

Does this mean that I’m somehow less evolved than he is?  Does it mean that I care about our relationship more than he does because I fear the consequences of him being with someone else?  Would I actually like it if it happened even though every fiber of my being says “no”?  I don’t know the answers…

Eventually, “D” was able to convince me (at least enough) that his wanting to share me did not mean that he loved me any less…it meant that he actually loved me more (crazy “upside down world” thought right there) because he trusted that I could go out and be with someone else and come back to him afterwards.  So, I tried it…

I went on a few dates, had a few minor sexual encounters and eventually went on a date where I went “all the way” – and let me tell you, I got “fucked sideways” (pardon the term) by the Bull that I chose.  It was certainly an experience that I will never forget; this man did things to me that have never been done before or since.

After my first “all the way” encounter, I found myself having strange feelings…I actually liked this guy.  I wondered what it would be like to be with him again, or more often.  I wanted him to hold me after we were finished, and when he did…I enjoyed it.  My head pressed against his neck, listening to him breathe and talk to me as he stroked my hair.  It was very romantic and very…nice.  And then I felt guilty…terribly so.

I thought about “D” and how much I loved him, and I wondered what fickle part of myself was able to have any shred of emotional feeling for this guy who I had just been with when I really only did it to please “D” in the first place.  Confusion was an angry tide, and I was being pulled out to sea.

Was it sexy?  Yes.  Was it everything I had hoped it would be?


  • Rob

    Reply Reply June 22, 2017

    Most of the time it’s hard to put feelings into words and on paper (well, what used to be paper anyways), but your thoughts and feelings are well articulated. We started our journey like you did, we both asked why…and she still does even after she took the plunge with the 2d luckiest guy on the planet. As we talked about continuing the journey, she told me that she was my “warmwife” as she didn’t know if she wanted to continue exploring, go in a different direction, or stop altogether.

    With nothing but amazing “after” feelings of love, trust, respect,and I could go on and on, I just didn’t understand why she would ever question her freedom, but she did and still does as she has full emotions from “coolwife” to “warmwife” to “hotwife” and back again. Your story helps fill in the why, so thank you for sharing. I have no idea where we are going from here, but the past 6 months has changed us for the better in every possible way,and not just in the bedroom.

    You are absolutely right, I have never even thought about this LS with anybody else…it is absolutely because I love and trust her more than I ever dreamed possible which turned insecurity and jealousy inside out, and I want her to have the world. Thanks again!

  • Doug

    Reply Reply November 3, 2017

    What do you mean by give?

    • Dr. 36

      Reply Reply November 4, 2017

      Hi Doug,

      In the article, she explains what she means by give when she says, “The more that D gives to me (all of those little things, special things, emotional things, physical things, love notes, songs, flowers, compliments, grand gestures of his undying devotion…yes, the list does go on), the more that I WANT to be a Hotwife…”

      So she’s saying the stronger her intimacy bond with her husband, the more open she feels to exploring things outside the marriage.

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