Still Believe Your Wife Won’t Try Your Fantasy?

How A 54 Year-Old Landscaper From New Jersey Accidentally Stumbled On A Video Of His Wife With Another Man Online

Tom and his wife were growing more distant by the week. Ever since he had brought his fantasy up to his wife Marie and she shot him down, things seemed off between them, and he couldn’t quite understand fully why.

Did he freak her out? Did she think he was some sexual deviant now? Why didn’t she believe him when he told her he didn’t want to sleep with other women, that he just wanted her to sleep with another man?

Whatever the answers to those questions were, he knew he was partly responsible for the distance. He wasn’t as virile as he used to be, so getting himself off whenever he read a new hotwifing story on the internet only made matters worse since it zapped whatever stamina he would have had for her.

I felt for Tom. He seemed lost, in an almost desperate kind of way, when he reached out to me. Like a lot of other guys before they officially became clients, he was skeptical, yet hopeful at the same time.

 

What Was The Worst That Could Happen?

Tom told me that he could use some help in making his fantasy happen because his wife had shot him down, and he reached out to me because, as he put it, what was the worst that could happen?

Tom completed my online assessment tool, and provided a bit of useful background information. He definitely had a tough situation on his hands though.

For starters, Tom’s wife Marie had some serious baggage about cheating since she had gotten to watch front row as her parents’ marriage imploded due to some regrettable extra-marital decisions her father had chosen to make.

Marie also was dealing with some self-esteem issues very common to women of her age. What with menopause, the kids being off on their own now, and putting on some extra unwanted weight, she was certainly very far from feeling sexy.

Speaking of feeling sexy, their sex life, once healthy, had diminished down to about only 1-2x per month, and that just wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to satisfy Tom, it wasn’t enough to make her feel loved, it just wasn’t enough, period.

 

Spotting A Subtle Yet Significant Advantage

I don’t want to make it seem all bad and hopeless though, because one thing Tom did have in his corner was that his wife had a naughty side, albeit a small and rarely-sighted one. That’s actually pretty important because when a woman has a part like that inside her, it means she has the potential she needs to be able to step outside her comfort zone. And with the right kind and style of encouragement, I believed Tom could unleash that part of her so it could express itself untethered.

One of the problems here though was Tom, through no fault of his own, had started in the wrong place. Tom was a normal guy, and guys are goal oriented. Tom wanted his wife to sleep with another man because he found the idea hot, so that’s how he brought it up to her–with nothing but his goal in mind. Here’s why that was a problem for Tom, and would be for just about any guy who wants his wife to try out his fantasy.

 

An Important Distinction Between Men & Women

You need to remember that for men, we tend to view our fantasy happening as achieving a goal or getting to a certain ends. Women however don’t conceptualize and experience the world in that way. For women, this fantasy happening needs to be more of a seduction. In fact, getting them to do most things that they don’t feel comfortable or excited or enthusiastic enough on their own requires some seduction, some foreplay if you will.

Tom did the equivalent of a guy asking his date if she wants to have sex—before they even agreed on where they were going to have coffee. It’s a really rare woman that not only wouldn’t get offended at something like that, but who would be open to the prospect after it was put that way.

Women don’t walk around the world as goal-oriented creatures like men. They’re more process-oriented, and how the process goes dictates what goals will manifest to her along the way. But even those goals themselves—they aren’t something to be achieved in her mind…They’re more of something to be succumbed to; to be acquiesced to; to experience.

I explained all this and more to Tom, and he grasped the concepts enough for us to move on to tackle some of the challenges that stood in his way.

 

How Tom Started To Make Some Headway

Partly because of how Tom had gone about it, and partly because of Marie’s social conditioning, Marie had trouble understanding Tom’s fantasy without linking it to fearing he wanted or he would eventually want to sleep with other women. So instead of having Tom try to rationally explain to Marie that this wasn’t the case, I had him validate Marie’s feelings in a way that didn’t necessarily affirm them. Guys who don’t know how to do this wind up making a big mistake resulting in reinforcing their woman’s fears.

Validating someone’s feelings gives them the space to feel how they do, which makes them feel understood. When that happens, they become more receptive to entertaining alternative views which is why this step is so important.

The next thing we had to do was have Tom explain his fantasy in a way that Marie could make sense out of. That doesn’t mean she had to be able to identify with it. For most women, being able to make sense out of the origin of the fantasy helps tremendously. I go into great detail about this in The Inception Method.

When done correctly, it’s at this point that most women can accept the existence of the fantasy. And whether they accept its existence begrudgingly or not doesn’t matter because acceptance is acceptance at the end of the day. Marie accepted the fact that he had the fantasy, but wanted to make it clear she didn’t have any interest in pursuing it.

1 Comment

  • rebeccasoffice

    Reply Reply August 9, 2017

    Very true. We want to be seduced. If she had ever given any indication that it interested her, then she wanted it. I wanted it, but I just didn’t want to be the person who made it happen. It’s like if I say I’d rather have Mexican food instead of Japanese, it doesn’t mean I won’t eat sushi. If I go to the restaurant with you and even dress nice, I will probably eat it and maybe even like it. Just order it for us. We are subtle creatures.

    We want to be coerced and added to the mix. For us women there is a bit of indirectness in our communication. Men are very direct about what they want. We never tell you what we want. We assume that you know.

    If you tell us what you want and we don’t unequivocally say “no” and fight back and make you promise that you won’t ever try it, then there is that opening we leave you.

Leave A Response

* Denotes Required Field