Are you in a relationship where you’re much more interested in having sex than your wife is? Have you frequently tried to initiate sex only to have her tell you she’s just not in the mood? Are you unsure how to fix this chicken and egg type problem? If so, you’re not alone.
One of the most common issues that many married couples have has to do with the wife’s seeming lack of sexual desire, which oftentimes gets labeled as the wife having a low sexual libido.
This is problematic for couples to navigate because its quite often the case that the husband wants to have sex, but the wife does not. And if the wife simply isn’t in the mood and feeling a desire to have sex, it’s not like you can just force her to feel desire to do so.
This oftentimes leaves the husband feeling rejected and unsatisfied, and the wife feeling guilty and annoyed. The problem is even worse in couples where the husband is the primary initiator.
I have some good news for you though. Fixing this problem and improving your sex life can be as simple as having just one small conversation with your wife about a concept many in society are still unfamiliar with. Seriously!
Even better is that this concept is something that most women already experience but have never made the connection with how it can be used to fix this problem.
The concept is called responsive sexual desire. Before we get to that though, let’s talk about desire and arousal.
Desire & Arousal
So, the first thing we need to understand here is that even though desire and arousal sound pretty similar, they aren’t the same thing at all. Desire is wanting to have sex, and arousal is the physical symptoms your body produces when you’re turned on.
Now, conventional wisdom would have you believe sexual desire precedes (and is supposed to precede) arousal. This is partially because of the way we see sexual encounters portrayed on TV, the movies, in porn, etc, and partially because this is actually how it works for some people (the large majority being men). The reality though is that desire which precedes arousal is only one specific type of desire: it is what is known as spontaneous sexual desire. This type of desire shows up instantly, with or without stimulation.
The idea that sexual desire is some kind of prerequisite for sex is outdated though, and can even be harmful. Why?
Because research has shown us that 25% of men and the vast majority of women–85%–do not experience spontaneous sexual desire (Google the author and researcher Emily Nagoski for more information on this topic). It goes to follow that if that is the only model for how sex is supposed to happen, then most women will not be open to having sex if they don’t first feel the mental desire to have it to begin with.
This is where the concept of responsive desire comes in.
Responsive sexual desire is when desire shows up in response to stimulation. In other words, responsive desire doesn’t emerge in anticipation of sexual pleasure, like spontaneous desire. Responsive desire emerges in response to sexual pleasure.
This means that responsive desire is felt during/after some sort of physically stimulating activity. The responsive desire is what is responsible for making the person feel mentally interested in taking things further.
So think for a second about what this all means.
If you and/or your wife’s model of how sex is supposed to happen is based on a model which doesn’t recognize the significance of responsive sexual desire, it could lead down a road where her desire (or lackthereof) is the sole determinant of whether or not you have sex.
But since it’s highly likely that your wife is like the 85% of women who don’t experience spontaneous sexual desire and instead experience responsive sexual desire (or at least would if given the chance), then your sexual droughts are totally unnecessary.
The good news though like we said is that the fix can be fairly easy. Allow me to explain.
The Positive & Relieving Power Of Knowledge
If your wife has ever agreed to have sex with you even though she wasn’t fully in the mood, and then wound up thinking, “Huh, that was actually pretty fun”, she’s probably a responsive type.
And if she’s a responsive type, that means recognizing she’s not going to want to say “yes” to sex until she’s already in the middle of some sort of physical stimulation.
This goes hand in hand with the fact that for many women, desire isn’t the cause of lovemaking, but rather the result. If your wife agrees with that sentiment, again she’s probably the responsive type.
You know what’s crazy though? Upwards of 70-80% of the wives whose husbands I have explained this concept to have/had no idea about there even being different sexual desire types. Many even feel relieved and validated when their husbands bring it up because they can identify with the experiences above. It’s just that due to having been conditioned by conventional and outdated sexual models, the wives never thought it might be good for both parties (and the relationship in general) to structure things in a way that prioritized responsive sexual desire.
In other words, they would have just kept operating under the assumption that the presence (or lack thereof) of spontaneous sexual desire should be the sole determining factor in whether or not they should have sex. Or worse yet, if that desire isn’t present before arousal or stimulation, then the couple shouldn’t even attempt any kind of stimulation in the first place. Everything would (and “should”) thus start and end at, “Not now, I’m not in the mood.”
That’s why educating people about the concept of responsive sexual desire is so important and beneficial. It can help them not only realize that it’s normal for most women to not necessarily be “in the mood” (especially in the rat race of today’s life), but also that they should give some kind of physical stimulation a chance to create the desire they want/need to want to sexually connect!
So instead of continuing to let the old models of how sex works and/or ought to work determine your sex life, you can let a new more accurate/comprehensive model be what can help take your sex life to new heights.
Let’s sum it up. Instead of thinking of desire as a prerequisite to have sex, desire can be seen as a response to sexual stimuli, creating arousal and the desire to continue said arousal/stimulation. Sexual interactions can begin with the woman in a state of sexual neutrality, who can then respond to sexual stimuli and which activates sexual arousal and desire.
If all that sounds complex, it’s how/why giving your woman a massage to help get her in the mood can work in the first place.
By the by–and what I’m about to say is something most people already know but don’t put into practice as well as they should–nonsexual stimuli can also produce desire and arousal, with intimacy, love, and other emotional and relational factors becoming the impetus for desire and arousal.
So What Do I Do Here?
If you’ve gotten this far, good for you because you can use this information to make some positive changes in your sexual dynamic with your wife. How?
The very first thing you need to do is explain all this (said: have a conversation about) to her in a way which she can understand, appreciate, and not feel like you’re mansplaining it. The way in which you attempt do that though can make or break how well she receives (or doesn’t receive) all this.
Once you do that, it opens the door to you two consensually making a new plan that revolves around doing things to help actively create responsive sexual desire as opposed to sitting back and passively waiting for her to experience spontaneous sexual desire.
The specifics on exactly what you should say, how you should say it, when you should it, etc. are obviously beyond the scope of this article. That’s where enlisting my professional services come in: https://www.thecuckoldconsultant.com/cuckold-consulting-plans/
So if you’re someone who has considered getting my help but haven’t pulled the trigger yet because you’re scared or skeptical your wife can become a hotwife, maybe you can at least recognize the benefit of enlisting my help to help you improve your sex life in ways you never thought possible.
Caveats & Disclaimers
First, I want to explicitly state that anyone who reads this article and thinks it means I am saying they should make or continue to make unwanted sexual advances towards their woman when she has directly stated that she in no way wants to sexually connect–I want to make it clear they are an idiot.
No means no, and consent is important.
To elaborate: engaging in nonconsensual sexual stimulation with your partner if/when your partner doesn’t have the desire to do so is unequivocally different than consensually engaging in sexual stimulation with your partner with the intent/goal of creating responsive sexual desire. That difference is important.
Next, the stimuli you use to help create desire and arousal don’t necessarily need to be sexual or even physical. The great thing about women is that there are oh so many ways to turn them on (aka create responsive desire inside them). The more ways you use to help create responsive desire, the better your results will be.
Third, this isn’t a cure-all for any/all sexual problems in your sex life. For example, if you aren’t able to deliver on a pleasurable sexual experience for your wife, or if your wife has become accustomed to expecting sex with you to not be enjoyable, you will need to make some other changes to ensure she does actually enjoy the sex she has with you. Otherwise, this is all for nothing.
Another example: sometimes there are underlying hormonal/biological factors that are preventing your wife from experiencing any kind of sexual desire–spontaneous or responsive. My free ebook has more information on how to know if that’s the case or not.
A last example: the phenomenon known as contextual sexual desire can play a role in all this. Contextual sexual desire is when the circumstances and environment impact the ability to feel sexual desire. If the circumstances or environment are conducive to feeling sexual desire or arousal, focusing only on creating responsive sexual desire with be fruitless.
Last but not least, most people fall within a blend of responsive and contextual and spontaneous desire. Sexual dynamics, sexual desires, and sexual satisfaction are rarely if ever the result of only one factor. Thus, neither should your solutions be aimed at addressing only one factor.
Again, for more help as to what specifically you should do for your specific situation with your specific goals, check out my professional consulting services: https://www.thecuckoldconsultant.com/cuckold-consulting-plans/ .