Dr. Daniel Kahneman is an Israeli-American psychologist notable for his work on the psychology of judgment and decision-making, as well as behavioral economics, for which he was awarded the 2002 Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences. Simply put, he’s a very smart, very famous man.
Dr. Kahneman wrote a bestselling psychology book in 2011 called Thinking, Fast & Slow.His book goes into how we have two systems of thought: System 1, our animal mind, is fast, instinctive, and emotional; System 2 is slow, deliberative, and logical. And System 1 is far more influential. In fact, it guides and steers our rational thoughts.
System 1’s newly formed undeveloped beliefs, feelings, and impressions are the main sources of the explicit beliefs and deliberate choices of System 2. They’re the spring that feeds the river. We react emotionally (System 1) to a suggestion or question. Then that System 1 reaction informs and in effect creates the System 2 answer.
Let’s take a look at how all this relates to your cuckold or hotwife fantasy. Your wife, who’s been raised and socially conditioned her whole life to believe in the idea of monogamy, and to adhere to principles like fidelity/faithfulness to one’s partner, and all other likeminded and related ideas, is naturally bound to react on a core emotional level (System 1) with some kind of resistance to the contrarian idea of sleeping with someone else besides you. In other words, her System 1 thinking is going to go something like, “No, I couldn’t ever do something like that. It goes against what I’ve been raised to believe!”
Her System 2 thinking is then going to find all kinds of reasons why she couldn’t, shouldn’t, and wouldn’t do something like this. In other words, her System 2 thinking is what she actually voices to you. It’s all the explanations for why she doesn’t like the idea and/or why she doesn’t want to explore it with you.
If you want to change your wife’s decision or influence her thinking about all this, it stands to follow that you need to change her System 1 thinking, NOT her System 2 thinking. If you try to change her System 2 thinking, you’ll just wind up causing her to become upset, frustrated, or even more entrenched in the objections she’s already given you.
The good news about all this is that you can change/influence your wife’s System 1 thinking. Spoiler alert: it has nothing to do with using logic or reason to try and convince her why she’d like this. Nor does it have anything to do with having her read hotwifing articles or stories on the internet to get her to see the benefits to something like this. And it also doesn’t have anything to do with trying to gently but encouragingly nudge her in the right direction.
Rather, it’s all about how you reframe, restructure, and redeliver your fantasy. That’s how you can then guide her System 2 rationality and influence her responses to all this.
To learn how to actually influence your wife’s System 1 thinking by doing the above things, take a look at The Cuckold’s Compass Objection Guide.