Before I help you answer this question, I want to make it clear that I’m not one of those label-nazis who like to go around arrogantly correcting people when it comes to the terms they use to label their extra-marital arrangements/relationships. So why the article?
Because the word cuckold has undergone some serious denigration recently by society. That denigration in turn is causing men who desire their women to sleep with someone else to think two things:
- They’re a traditional cuckold.
- Their desire is inherently or necessarily shameful, inappropriate, weak, effeminate, beta, etc.
It is true that some men who consider themselves cuckolds or wannabe cuckolds as it were have an affinity for experiencing shades of humiliation, submissiveness, jealousy, denial, etc. It’s even true that experiencing such feelings in certain cuckold relationship arrangements with sexual power differentials incites a sense of masochistic shame in the man, which in its own way can be perversely sexually arousing.
But not all men who desire their wife to sleep with others have these tendencies or desires. (Note: there is absolutely nothing wrong, abnormal, or unhealthy with those kinds of desires. Society’s ignorance and judgmentalness prevents it from understanding that.)
You see, the arousal and desire for your woman to sleep with another man spans a long spectrum. On that spectrum are varying fantasy types, labels, desires, and expressions of it. And there’s an entire part of that spectrum on which fantasy types and expressions rooted in empowerment for both genders (_en contra _to fantasy types that create sexual power differentials) have their home.
To help us navigate and explore that part of the spectrum is a very special guest: the creator of the erotic, entertaining, and educational Tumblr “Stag & Vixen Hotwife Games” who goes by the name J. The following information is a synthesis of J’s perspective and knowledge as well as my own, and we’re certain that you’ll find it useful.
Let’s start by talking about the term Stag.
I Thought A Stag Was Just A Word For A Male Deer?
A Stag is a word to describe a straight man that shares his wife or girlfriend sexually with other men and derives his pleasure solely from watching her arousal. This arrangement, called Stag Hotwifing, typically occurs in one or more of the following ways:
- By bringing another man/men to pleasure the wife or girlfriend, where the Stag can either actively join in and participate, or passively watch as a voyeur
- As the Stag overtly or covertly watches or listens to her play with the other men
- As the wife or girlfriend recounts the details of her adventures with other men to the Stag after the fact.
Unlike certain cuckolding arrangements, Stag Hotwifing involves no humiliation, cruelty, or attempted displays of dominance by the other men towards the Stag. A Stag is confident and secure enough to share his woman without sacrificing his masculinity. _Ipso facto, _stags are not submissive. In fact, they are often dominant themselves.
Unlike certain cuckolding arrangements, there are no creampie cleanups. It should also be noted that Stag Hotwifing is race free, without any special proclivities regarding men of other races. Anyone can be a third party, or bull.
Stag Hotwifing involves a great degree of respect for all parties. If there is any “serving”, it’s done by the bull. A Stag doesn’t desire to see his woman “used” by another man. He just occasionally enjoys watching his woman experience passion and pleasure in new and exciting ways. It often makes him desire her more.
Reclaiming is a very central to Stag Hotwifing. The vixen belongs to the Stag and to the Stag only. She can only be “borrowed” at best by a third party.
Exploring and enjoying Stag Hotwifing is seen as enjoying/exploring fun and games. The main relationship is the priority, and nothing about Stag Hotwifing is taken too seriously. A Stag does not seek out other women in return, and is simply focused on his own woman’s pleasure, and the pleasure he gets from seeing/experiencing her pleasure.
Vixen: Not Just A Name For One Of Santa’s Reindeer
By now, you probably have a basic idea of what a Vixen is, but let’s go into a bit more detail.
A Vixen, or Vixen Hotwife, is any woman that is allowed to have occasional sex with other men with the encouragement and full consent of her husband or boyfriend. The Vixen is at the center of her Stag’s sexual desires and she deeply enjoys seeing how much pleasure he gets from her sexual escapades with others.
Vixen hotwives engage in a variety of activities from mere fantasy role playing with their partner to various degrees of actual real sexual activity with other men. This includes but is not limited to:
- Only kissing and fondling with other men in a public venue such as a bar.
- Sexual activity with other men but not full intercourse.
- Having sex with other men and then retelling the event in detail to her Stag.
- Having her Stag listen or watch her have sex with other men.
- Having her Stag join in in a threesome with her and another guy.
She engages in these activities because of a combination of her Stag’s desire for such sexual play and his pride in sharing her. She also enjoys the freedom of being able to experience pleasure and passion with other men. And that freedom is deeply rooted in her being in a committed and loving relationship which itself is based on mutual love and respect.
Her activity with other men, while generally fun and friendly, is solely sexual. Her Stag always remains her primary emotional and sexual focus in the longer term.
Back To Our Opening Question
The primary purpose of this article was to help differentiate a Stag Cuckold or Stag from a more “traditional” type cuckold. The Stag Cuckold arrangement has its roots in empowerment for both genders. There is no humiliation, denial, or role reversal play, nor do Stag & Vixen/Hotwife games create sexual power differentials.
You should also take note of the word “games.” The main relationship is the main priority in Stag Hotwifing arrangements, and any play with outside parties are merely games to enjoy, with the central focus being the Stag & Vixen returning back to each other closer than ever before.
(Note: I keep using that phrase sexual power differentials. If you want to know more about what those are, stay tuned for my free upcoming ebook release How To Turn Your Relationship Into An FLR.)
If the way you’d choose to explore your desire to see your woman sleep with other men matches the above descriptions, than you would be a Stag Cuckold (or Hotwife Husband), as opposed to a more traditional type cuckold.
That said, the cuckolding spectrum is a large one, and there are even many shades of being a traditional type cuckold. That will be the subject of an upcoming article tentatively entitled _50 Shades of Cuckolding. _But if you want to know why all these different terms and labels exist, then keep reading.
Stags & Wittols & Cuckolds…Oh My!
Right now, there’s no official/standard/agreed-upon jargon or lexicon in the cuckold and hotwife communities. To be sure, the cuckold community is still considered by many to be separate from the hotwife community. The growing popularity of the Stag & Vixen community makes matters even more complicated. All these different communities can make it hard to know where you fit in.
And let’s face it…it’s normal to want to know where you fit in and “what you are.” Self-categorization results in self-understanding, and self-understanding helps promote healthy, secure, and confident sexual exploration.
That said, it will still be awhile until the different communities establish a more universal agreement regarding their jargon(s) and paths. That’s why things are a bit fuzzy right now.
This is no different than the origin of every other community/movement that has ever been started, whether it has to do with relationships or not. Someone carves a path, others start to follow it, and those followers stray from the original path at some point and carve their own paths, each thinking their new path is “more correct” than the others. Some of those paths lead to the same place, other paths lead to different places, and sects/parties/splits start to solidify.
So as things currently stand, alternative relationship communities have no founders, no official rules, philosophies, or demarcations separating them from each other. As time goes on though, this will change. The communities will start to differentiate themselves from each other in some aspects, and their thoughts on certain terms/labels/etc will start to coalesce. This is characteristic of the process of differentiation.
We should all be careful not to take the outcomes of such differentiation as gospel or law though. After all, how much sense would it make for people who enjoy doing things in nontraditional/alternative ways to want to confine and pigeonhole themselves with set rules, labels, guidelines, etc?
Finding Your Way
At the end of the day, one of the most appealing and awesome things about these lifestyles is the sexual freedom and sexual positivity it affords those who are brave enough to choose to live them. There’s an advantage to the absence of bibles and constitutions, dogmas and doctrines. The disadvantage is that everyone is navigating the same unexplored territory in the dark, trying to find their way.
Everyone has their own maps though, and that’s not a bad thing, as long as we all remember that the map isn’t the territory.
As you navigate your own journey of self-exploration and self-understanding, J and I hope that you’ll let this be another map for you to use to help guide you along the way.
I’d like to thank J for helping me create this map for all of those out there who are into alternative relationship arrangements. If you haven’t already done so, I encourage you to check out his Tumblr which has some pretty great content. You can find it here: https://hotwivesandgames.tumblr.com/.
I’d also like to thank StagnationHW (who I interviewed here) for the Stag & Vixen definition pictures, as they’re his own creation. If you haven’t read his interview yet, it’s truly phenomenal, and a quintessential example of the Stag & Vixen lifestyle.
As always, feel free to leave your comments and thoughts below.